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BABY SHOWER "Oh, a clothes hanger. Uh, thanks, Claire." BUT I'M CLOSER An evening at the rat ballet Realistically speaking, I still haven't seen it all But I'm closer. CHECK UP I don't think the doctor believed me But I honestly don't know how all that cat food got in my scrotum. THE COMFORT IN THE COMMON It was a routine autopsy Until someone threw a crocodile fetus through the window I don't know how much longer I'll be punching the clock here. COSTUME SEX Taking note of the seahorse costumes on the coat rack, I knew I was in no ordinary brothel "No, ma'am. I'm just here for the negro pianist and maybe a pancake or three." DARLENE'S COLD FEET While he guided her through the baby prison in his basement, Darlene began to question her status as a fiancé DOWN WITH A WHIMPER All I had was a brick But the world's last dinosaur went down with a whimper It's been twelve years and the guilt still hasn't kicked in. FLOWER GIRL WITH A BAT NOSE Spiking punch with mescaline is a pretty inappropriate prank to begin with But at your sister's wedding? FOUR SEATS OVER, HORIZONTAL I dreamed about her again last night She was dressed as a potato Eating lasagna out of a pillow case If only I could tell her how I feel... GASOLINE-FUELED GROWL It was unusual to hear a chainsaw after 10 PM But after I finished my bath, I found out what was going on I hate squid season. GINGER KEENER, 1984 After fourteen hours of drawing crucified minotaurs, She decided to keep the baby. A GOOD HOST To relieve us of boredom, He had us sit Indian style and form a circle And we spent hours watching his daughter pound the floor and cry He eventually put her eyes back in their sockets. GRANDMA'S KISSES Dog bowls filled with bullets, The Joy of Rape on the coffee table These days I don't bother asking questions I just take my kisses and mumble excuses to leave. THE GUTTER DRAIN Peeking down into the gutter drain I was surprised to see a horse gagged with a large tomato. HONEY-CANDY If paying last respects to your mother isn't enough incentive Then perhaps this honey-candy can persuade you to change your mind. IN FITS OF ECSTASY The nurses shook their heads in fits of ecstasy And took to dancing on the shoulders of the dead gorilla. "JUDGES! HYPOCRITES!" You're missing the point completely We're not judging you for masturbating But there's a time and a place for it, and the premature ward isn't it. A LANDSCAPE OF DEATH Awoke once more to a landscape of death How are there that many diabetic hummingbirds? LET'S TALK ABOUT MY PROBLEM It ain't my fault your little boy crawled under my house to die So let's talk about how you're gonna stop my house from stinkin'. MURDER SAFARI Watching the baby lion devour the baby zebra was about the cutest murder I ever saw. THE NIGHT SKY The night sky was so bright As Dad burned all the excess angels hiding in our attic. "NO, I AM NOT YOUR NEW DADDY." I was honestly surprised myself, But the orphanage paid the ransom regardless Drinks on me tonight. "ONE DAY, WE'RE GONNA DO IT!" It was to be the grandest heist ever pulled At midnight, the goats would steal the moon ...just like the night before ......and the night before that. OPAQUE WHISPERS And from the lips of his worms oozed opaque whispers; "She's in the cupboard. Now's your chance. Milk the children, milk the children." PET STORE REFUND "I'll let you fellas gangbang my sister for a little more meth," Is the last thing you expect your bird's first words to be. PIERCED THROUGH The bacon crawled back into its nest And let out a moan that pierced through our confusion. POOR OLE' MEE MAW I guess some people never grow out of that cutter stage Poor ole' Mee Maw wears long sleeves all year long. PREVIOUS TENANTS I'd never cleaned my ceiling fan So you can't imagine my shock when I found all those cat teeth glued up there RENDERED IMPOSSIBLE When there are that many dead dolphins in your living room, Over-reaction is rendered impossible. THE SATISFIED SIGH We kept digging until the octopus let out a sigh And we knew that he was satisfied that nothing was there I spent the rest of the party inside a wolverine egg. $17.99 Walking past the donation box for blind children, I spot a graphic novelazation of the story of Christ. Well, now they got two. SUE SNIDE'S SUICIDE Bleach and roach lips I can't really think of a worst last meal. 'TIL IT HURTS When that many toddlers are so close to a wasp nest All you can do is sit back and grin 'til it hurts TONIGHT'S TOP STORY Beartraps in the playground for blind children!? Man, why didn't I think of that? UNLIKELY THEY'LL EVER SUSPECT ME Brown recluse in the baby crib It's gonna feel good being an only child again. WHY DO YOU NEED A HAMMER? There's a bass flopping around in my refrigerator. WHILE THE CHILDREN WERE SLEEPING The walls crept away While the children were sleeping And the ceiling crushed them all. WINGED AT LAST The snails grew wings And swooped down, delivering us to more hospitable climates.
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© Reining Nails 2008.
